


Roommates From Hell (and Other Miscalculations)

by Crunchysunrises



Category: Naruto
Genre: Community: wishlist_fic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Humor, Male-Female Friendship, Multi, Roommates, Sharing an apartment, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-16
Updated: 2011-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-11 10:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crunchysunrises/pseuds/Crunchysunrises
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Itachi has a girlfriend.  So does Kakashi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Roommates From Hell (and Other Miscalculations)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [happyonna](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=happyonna).



>  None

**Title:** Roommates From Hell (and Other Miscalculations)  
**Fandom:**  Naruto  
**Rating:**  PG  
**Content Notes:**  None  
**Disclaimer:**  I have no rights or claims to the Naruto or Harry Potter franchise, trademark, copyright or characters. This is fun, not profit.  
**Summary:** Itachi has a girlfriend.  So does Kakashi.  
**Additional Notes:**  Written to fill [](http://happyonna.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**happyonna**](http://happyonna.dreamwidth.org/) 's prompt for Wishlist 2011.

 

The first time that Kakashi saw Sakura at the breakfast table, he was willing to swear it was a leftover fragment from his dream.  At seven in the morning, anything was possible.  She and Itachi were eating pancakes and sipping coffee like civilized people.  Kakashi drank water straight from the purifying pitcher like a barbarian and staggered back to bed.

Since Sakura was gone the next time he went to the kitchen (at two in the afternoon), he was content to ignore the matter entirely.

The second time that Kakashi saw Sakura at the breakfast table, it was four in the afternoon.  She and Itachi were eating pancakes and sipping coffee like civilized people.  Kakashi stared at them like a buffoon.

"Hello Kaka-sensei," Sakura said brightly after she finished her thought regarding the theories surrounding chakra transference.  
  
"Sakura."  
  
"Would you like a pancake or two?"  
  
There was a smile in Itachi's eyes.  
  
"Ah, no thanks.  I have - stuff.  Lots of stuff," Kakashi said quickly.  "I have lots of stuff to do today.  Excuse me."  
  
He fled the kitchen then the apartment.  
  
Hours later, Kakashi peeked through window in Sakura's office.  Sakura was there.  The entirety of her focus was bent toward studying someone's file.  
  
Kakashi immediately went home to confront Itachi.  
  
"I don't date your students," he said by way of an opening.  "I'd appreciate it if you kept your hands off of mine."  
  
"I don't have any students for you to seduce," Itachi said without looking up from his treatise on Mist's sealing techniques.  "And if I did have any, it'd be pedophilia.  That's not the same thing at all."  
  
_"Itachi."_  
  
"We're not dating," Itachi said.  He unrolled more text from the top of the scroll and rolled more up at the bottom.  "We just eat breakfast together twice a week, lunch together three times a week and I make her dinners sometimes when you're away from the village."  
  
"You're dating," Kakashi said flatly.  "Stop it."  
  
"No."  
  
"Sakura likes to touch," Kakashi said, switching tactics entirely.  Itachi finally looked up from his damn scroll.  "She'll want to _touch_ you and _kiss_ you and, eventually, she'll want _sex."_  
  
Itachi frowned.  
  
"That _could_ be problematic."  
  
"You should dump her.  Now.  Before things get _problematic."_  
  
"I think that's a bit drastic," Itachi said.  He was studying Kakashi with the same level of interest that he had shown the scroll.  "When the matter arises, I'll simply encourage Sakura to seek sexual satisfaction from another partner.  I believe she'll understand.  She's quite sensible."  
  
"No woman is that sensible," Kakashi said darkly.  "She'll be expecting things from you at that point."  
  
"Hmmmmm.... Yes.  I see your point," Itachi hummed.  "Disparate expectations can lead to the failure of a relationship.  I'll have to discuss this with her at the first available moment."  
  
Kakashi was relieved.  He assumed that promised conversation would be the end of things between Itachi and Sakura.  
  
  
  
  
 

Three days later, Kakashi walked into the kitchen to find Sakura and Itachi sipping coffee and laughing together.  There were plates heaped with half-eaten pancakes in front of them.

"Good morning, Kaka-sensei!" Sakura trilled happily.

Kakashi blinked at her.

Sakura beamed.

Itachi managed to look unutterably smug without shifting a single muscle in his face.

"I've got to go," Kakashi blurted.  "Stuff."

 

 

 

 

"I thought you were going to break up with her," Kakashi complained much later.

"No.  Your advice was quite sound," Itachi said.  He was shimmying something around a hot skillet.  Whatever it was smelled _delicious._   "We had a very illuminating conversation.  Once our expectations regarding our relationship were clarified, we came to an accord easily enough."

Since Kakashi was nearly certain that he had told Itachi to break up with Sakura, he felt it was unduly sadistic of Itachi to credit him with the streamlining of their relationship.

Instead of asking what their agreement was, Kakashi asked, "How long has this thing between the two of you been going on, anyway?"

"Approximately four months."

"Four _months?"_  
  
Itachi hummed and flipped the thing in the skillet.

"When it comes to your personal affairs, you're not very observant, Kakashi."

Kakashi flopped into one of the chairs at the two-man breakfast table.

"Look, I'm sorry but I don't like the idea of one of my former students hanging around our apartment complex, never mind our apartment.  It's creepy."

"You don't even want Sakura in the building?"

"No."

"Then you're out of luck," Itachi concluded as he divided whatever he had made between two plates.  "You're going to see her often both in the building and near the apartment."

"Itachi!"  Kakashi complained as Itachi brought the plates over to the table.  Kakashi moved to grab chopsticks and two cans of fruit juice - prickly pear, which was Itachi's favorite flavor.  "I don't ask you for very much but I'm asking you to stop letting Sakura into the building."

"I'm not letting Sakura into anything," Itachi said as he popped his can open.  "She lives here."

_"What?"_

"Have you ever even considered paying attention to your surroundings?  Outside of missions, I mean."

"How long has she lived in the building?" Kakashi demanded as he yanked his mask down.

"About seven months."

"What apartment?"

"The one across the hall."

"That one?"  Kakashi asked as he popped the tab on his juice.  "I thought it was still empty."

"It's not.  Sakura just isn't home very often.  She says the rent is so low that even a genin could afford to live alone in it."  Itachi frowned.  "Why do you think her rent is so much less than ours?"

"Probably because she lives across from us," Kakashi said as he plucked up his first bit.

He closed his eyes in bliss.  Like everything else Itachi cooked, it was _fantastic._

"We're wonderful neighbors!" Itachi insisted.

"I'm sure that's what the last thirteen tenants told the landlord when they broke their leases early."

"Sakura says so all the time."

"Sakura was in love with Sasuke for years.  She's got a wide masochistic streak."

"Sakura's _fine,_ just the way she is," Itachi snapped.  There was an ominous note of warning in his voice.  "And so's Sasuke."

"Of course."

 

 

 

 

After Itachi pointed it out to him, it was impossible for Kakashi not to notice Sakura's presence in his surroundings.  Kakashi slowly learned not to shudder or run every time that he saw Sakura in their apartment building's hallways or gym or pool.  (Although he did write a strongly worded complaint to the management about letting the female residents lounge around in skimpy string bikinis.  The building manager wrote back asking if Kakashi was insane because that was obviously the best part of having a pool on the property.)

It was uncomfortable when he bumped into her outside of their apartments.

Kakashi became even more uncomfortable about bumping into Sakura when Itachi started discussing Sakura's personal affairs with him.

"Sakura has a new sexual partner," Itachi sulked.  "She calls him her _boyfriend."_

Itachi had made some variation on that statement every day for a week.  Kakashi was beginning to suspect that Sakura's new boyfriend bothered Itachi in the way that, up until recently, only Kakashi's partners bothered Itachi.

"So what's wrong with him?" Kakashi asked mildly.

"He's loud, obnoxious, wild, messy, and dirty.  He can't cook, he isn't funny and he's an idiot.  And he takes up all of her time," Itachi immediately listed.  "And he's got a dog."

"I've got several dogs," Kakashi pointed out.  "That never seemed to bother you before."

"That's different," Itachi snapped.  He looked at Kakashi like he was a complete moron and Itachi pitied him for not having ever realized it.  "They're _your_ dogs."

"...Of course.  Silly me.  Ownership makes all the difference."

"Exactly," Itachi agreed.  "About the only use for him that I can see is that he gives her screaming orgasms."

"Screaming orgasms?" Kakashi parroted.

His brain had melted a little bit at the casually offered proof that his little Sakura was off having obnoxiously loud orgasms with a dirty, wild man.

It was one thing to threaten Itachi with the possibility of sex with Sakura at some unnamed future time when Kakashi knew for a fact that Itachi was as likely to have sex with Sakura as Kakashi was.  (But for different reasons.)  It was another thing entirely for someone else to fuck her good sense out of her.

That was the only way Sakura would date someone like the man that Itachi had described.

 _They have to be using seals to dampen the sound,_ he thought.  It was an irrelevant thought but it was nice to know his brain still worked well enough to have any thoughts at all.

"We haven't had breakfast together in nearly two weeks," Itachi complained.  "I miss having pancakes."

"You could have pancakes on your own."

"No."

 _"We_ could have pancakes."

"It wouldn't be the same."

"Then I don't know what to tell you, Itachi."  It killed a little piece of Kakashi to say the next part aloud but Itachi needed to hear it.  "Sakura is a grown woman and she has a right to have screaming orgasms with her boyfriend if she wants to."

"Don't worry," Itachi assured him.  "I'll think of something."

 

 

 

 

The next morning, Kakashi saw Inuzuka Kiba leaving Sakura's apartment.  That afternoon, Kakashi watched as Itachi picked up their coffee maker and pot, calmly walked up the wall and stood on the ceiling.  Then he let go of the coffee equipment.

It shattered into hundreds of sharp pieces on the dented linoleum.

Itachi literally hummed a happy little tune as he cleaned the mess up.

"Itachi?"  Kakashi said when Itachi appeared to be done casually destroying their kitchen appliances.  "Why did you do that?"

"So I can borrow Sakura's coffee maker!"

"Does she have a spare?"

"I don't think so."  Itachi suddenly looked anxious.  "Do you think that she does?"

"Probably not," Kakashi decided.  "But... won't she need the coffee maker that she's got?"

"Well, I'll promise to make her coffee just the way that she likes it _every day_ in our apartment if she'll loan us hers."

"Of course.  Excuse me."

Kakashi went to his room for some well deserved quiet time.

 

 

 

 

Itachi monitored the "Situation with That Dog-Boy" and kept Kakashi appraised whether Kakashi wished to be kept appraised or not.

For himself, Kakashi had a variety of one night stands and relationships that had turned into one night stands and flings after the women in question had met his roommate.

Itachi, who had things against women Kakashi was interested in, touching in general and sex in particular, vehemently protested Kakashi's insistence on exposing him to all three things simultaneously, especially when the women were little better than strangers.

"It's unsanitary," Itachi complained as he scrubbed every faucet and fixture in the bathroom to within an inch of its continued existence.  Kakashi was just grateful that he had gotten to the towels before Itachi could burn them to ashes this time.  Towels were surprisingly not cheap.  "Why do you insist on exchanging genetic material with strangers?"

"They wouldn't still be strangers if you hadn't scared them off," Kakashi complained from the relative safety of the bathroom's doorway.  Sooner or later, it was going to occur to Itachi that Kakashi was just as corrupted as the towels had been.  Experience had taught Kakashi to be in a good position to run when that happened.

"And if you _have_ to give in to your baser urges, why do you insist on doing it in _our apartment?"_

"It's clean and comfortable here."

"Not anymore," Itachi said darkly.

"I don't see the difference between my showering with Tsunami and your letting Sakura shower here when her water heater was broken."

"Because she's _Sakura,"_ Itachi said, as if that explained everything.

In his mind, it probably did.

"What about Kiba?" Kakashi asked maliciously.  "Sakura's still sharing genetic material with him, isn't she?  You were sharing your shower with his genetic material too.  And you never once thought to scrub the bathroom after she used it."

Itachi's lips pursed into a thin, white line.

Kakashi laughed and escaped before Itachi could turn that scrubbing brush on _him._

 

 

 

 

When Sakura's relationship with Kiba fell apart, Itachi filled their freezer with ice creams and made soups and onigiri that Kakashi was not allowed to sample.

"She's unhappy," Kakashi said irritably, _"not_ dying."

"It's not for you," Itachi said.  He made a menacing little circle in the air with the rounded end of the spoon.  "I made it for Sakura."

"She won't even know some of it's gone."

"No."

"I could die of starvation," Kakashi complained, "before she gets over Kiba."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take."

Kakashi went off to sulk in a bar and eat bar food.

That was where he met Akiko.  And, since Itachi was busy with Sakura (and by extension Ino), Kakashi had a steady girlfriend for two glorious months before Itachi had time to properly notice her.

Truthfully, he might have remained too busy to notice her but that was when Kakashi got tired of having sex in her messy, cramped apartment.  Itachi was away on a mission of massive destruction and chaos so Kakashi felt it was safe to bring Akiko home and get her used to the idea of Kakashi's dogs (they had their own bedroom in the apartment) and roommate (the deal breaker in most of his romantic relationships).

They took advantage of Itachi's absence to have sex in Kakashi's bedroom, on most of the furniture in the living room, in the shower and were just settling down to eat breakfast (off of each other) on the kitchen table when Itachi came home from his mission.

Itachi stopped dead in the kitchen's doorway.

Akiko leered at him.

Itachi did that little reptilian head tilt that usually meant unfortunate things for whomever he was looking at.  In this case, it meant terrible things for Kakashi's steady supply of sex.

"Kakashi.  She's naked."

"Yes.  Yes, she is.  So am I."

"In the kitchen."

"I am too."

"Naked," Itachi repeated.  He turned that look on Kakashi.  "Did you have sex outside of the designated area?"

The 'designated area' was Kakashi's bedroom.

Kakashi's split second of hesitation was more than enough confirmation for Itachi.

"Move," Itachi ordered Akiko.

"Hey, now, Kakashi lives here too and - eek!"  Akiko leaped off of the breakfast table.  It was now a cheerfully burning breakfast table.  "You psycho!"

"I liked that table," Itachi remarked absently as he turned toward the living room.  Presumably to start burning the furniture in there.  "Sakura and I had many happy breakfasts there."

"Itachi!"  Kakashi yelped.  He grabbed Itachi's shoulder.  _"Don't_ burn everything again!"

"It's -"

"I know.  I'll clean up," Kakashi promised.  He had been going to do that anyway.  If he had not lost track of time, Itachi never would have had to know what Kakashi had gotten up to while he was away.  "Why don't you get some clean clothes and go shower in her apartment?  And they you could have lunch together."

Itachi shot Kakashi an anxious look.

"My room..."

"We never went in there," Kakashi promised.  "Go on.  You'll feel better after you see Sakura.  And then you'll come home to a clean apartment."

Itachi nodded.

Ninety second later, Kakashi could hear Itachi and Sakura exchanging greetings on Sakura's doorstep.

"Well, that was intense," Akiko said.

"Yeah."  Kakashi ran a hand through his hair.  "Look, I'll understand if you don't want -"

"Oh no, honey-boy," Akiko interrupted.  "Between the mystery of what's under your mask and the crazy of your roommate, this is going to be the most interesting relationship I've had in _ages."_

Kakashi beamed.

He fell a little bit in love with Akiko just then.

 

 

 

 

Kakashi avoided the hallway outside of his apartment for two whole weeks after the night that he came home to find Sakura kissing Hyuga Neji on her doorstep.

It was traumatizing.

And really _hot._

And really, really _wrong._

Kakashi stopped looking at that spot in front of Sakura's apartment all together.

He was grateful - in a vague, uninterested sort of way - when Sakura stopped seeing Neji.  He was a good man but if things between them had become _serious,_ people would have had to consider taking the Curse Seal.  If that had happened, Kakashi would have had to protest.  Violently.

Itachi probably would have burned things.

And people.

Hyuga Neji was far from the last man Kakashi happened to spot on Sakura's doorstep.  Sakura seemed to like making out there.

Kakashi... did not particularly care one way or the other.  Really.

 

 

 

 

"Kakashi!  She's naked in the kitchen again!"

"I'm wearing a shirt!"

"Yes," Itachi agreed.  His tone made it clear that he was not impressed.

Kakashi hustled into the kitchen with a pair of his sweatpants for Akiko.  Kakashi himself was wearing his mask, a t-shirt and a pair of boxers.

"Oh come _on!"_ Akiko protested.  "His shirt covers more of me that that t-shirt and underwear cover on him!"

Itachi looked at her.  It was a very hard look.

Akiko huffed and pulled on the damn sweatpants.

"Don't touch my coffee," Itachi said before he swept out of the kitchen.

Kakashi waited until he heard the sound of Itachi's bedroom door clicking shut behind him.  Then he got out a pair of mugs and poured coffee for both himself and Akiko.

Akiko arched her eyebrows at Kakashi.

Kakashi shrugged.

"He can't drink it all himself.  And, believe it or not, Itachi's a great cook."

Akiko doctored her cup.  Kakashi sipped his black.

It was _terrible._

Kakashi stared at his mug of black sludge like the betrayer it was.

_Why would Itachi deliberately make such disgusting coffee?  Is he punishing me for keeping Akiko?  Or just for having her over last night?_

Akiko sipped her coffee and grimaced.

"Gods, this is strong," Akiko complained.  "What's he planning to do with this stuff?  Strip paint?"

"It's better not to ask," said Kakashi as he added milk and sugar to his own mug.  "Milk?  Sugar?"

"Yes, please!"

Kakashi and Akiko were on their third cups of coffee when Itachi caught them.

"That's _my_ pot of coffee," Itachi said as Kakashi fetched another mug for Itachi.  "I made it to share with Sakura.  Why would you drink someone else's pot of coffee?"

"Relax.  I'll make more."

"But you won't make it right!  Sakura likes her coffee strong enough to put hair on her ass.  Do you know how to make coffee strong enough to put hair on a woman's ass?"

Kakashi grimaced.  "Thankfully, no."

"Sakura?" asked Akiko.  "Did you have a girl stay over last night?"

"Of course not!"  Itachi snapped.  Despite the four foot gap between himself and Akiko, he drew back from her.  "How dare you - What're you _doing,_ Kakashi?"

Kakashi had just filled a third mug of coffee for Itachi then topped up his own and Akiko's cups.  There was no more coffee in the pot.

"What's Sakura supposed to drink?" demanded Itachi.

"Her own coffee, hopefully," Kakashi said.

"That's _her_ coffee maker!"  Itachi snapped.  _"And_ she bought that blend!  You're drinking her coffee out of her coffee maker!"

"Oh yeah," Kakashi drawled as vague memories of Itachi breaking their coffee maker stirred at the back of his mind.  He shrugged.  "It's ours now."

Itachi opened his mouth to say something but stopped when someone twisted, then frantically twisted, the knob on their front door.

"Did you lock Sakura out?" Itachi demanded.

"...Maybe," Kakashi allowed.

Truthfully, he had locked the door last night without even remembering that Sakura came over at all.  Locked doors were bids for privacy rather than safety measures in a ninja village and he had _wanted_ relative privacy with Akiko last night.  Plus, Kakashi was very good at ignoring things when he wanted to - like Itachi's idiosyncrasies or how much time Sakura actually spent in the apartment that he shared with Itachi.

_Crack!_

Kakashi winced when the door slammed open, bounced off of the wall and slapped against Sakura's open palm.

 _How did I forget about her monstrous strength?_ he wondered as Sakura staggered into the apartment.  Akiko stared at Sakura's teeny tiny baby blue shorts and tight white t-shirt with undisguised astonishment... and censure.

Sakura, who seemed oblivious to Akiko's presence, staggered straight for the coffee maker.

"Hello," Akiko said.  Her voice was sharp enough to draw blood all on its own.  Her astonishment had morphed into outrage.  "May we help you?"

"Coffee... Need coffee... Good coffee..."

Sakura stared at the empty coffee maker with complete incomprehension.

"No coffee," she mumbled sorrowfully.  She poked the empty pot with her forefinger.  "Why is there no coffee?"

"Kakashi, do you usually have strange, nearly naked women wandering around your apartment?" Akiko demanded waspishly.

"Yes," Itachi said as he moved his own cup of black coffee into Sakura's line of sight.  She latched onto it with single-minded ferocity.  "I have told him repeatedly that I dislike it when he brings sexual partners home.  And yet, he keeps bringing you here anyway."

"Itachi!" hissed Kakashi.  "That's not what she meant."

Itachi looked up from where he was watching Sakura chug her cup of coffee.  The gleam in his eyes when he looked at Akiko was singularly malicious.

"I know."

Kakashi groaned.

"Ignore him, Akiko.  He's a dick to everyone."

"Not true," Itachi immediately countered as he appropriated Kakashi's cup of coffee.  He began to doctor it with milk and sugar.  The coffee to sugar ratio was far too low for the cup to be for him.  "I usually make an effort to be polite.  However, I find that special allowances must be make regarding my behavior around you, Akiko."

"Oh?"

"I dislike you intensely."

Akiko glared at Itachi.  It rolled off of him like water off of a duck's back.

"I see."

"I doubt it," Itachi said as he passed Sakura what was rightfully Kakashi's cup of caffeinated goodness.  Sakura sipped this one more slowly.  "Otherwise, I assume that you would at least try to make an effort to be less offensive to me."

Ignoring Akiko's enraged response, Itachi took Sakura's free hand in one of his own.

Kakashi stared.

Itachi hated touching people.  The only exceptions to the rule were himself, Sasuke... and Sakura, apparently.

"Sakura, we have to eat breakfast in your apartment today," he said slowly and distinctly.  "Kakashi's latest sexual conquest has befouled this one."

"Bring coffee maker," Sakura croaked.

Itachi nodded.  "Of course."

And that was it.  Sakura, Itachi, the supply of coffee grounds and the coffee maker went back to Sakura's apartment.

Kakashi missed the coffee maker already.

 

 

 

 

He was pretty sure that Itachi was punishing him.  That was the only reason Kakashi could think of for Itachi to have 'accidentally' destroyed three perfectly good - if cheap - coffee makers.

Kakashi really missed Sakura's deluxe coffee kit.  He had no idea how to make an espresso or what a frappachino even was but knowing that he had been in possession of a coffee maker that _could_ have made them had been nice.

Being in possession of a coffee maker at all had been nice.

Of course, Akiko was more than willing to let him come over and drink coffee at her place.  So there were certain benefits to Itachi's hatred of all non-Sakura-owned coffee makers.

For once, it was all going well for Kakashi.  His life had somehow fallen together in a comfortable, happy rhythm.

So of course, Akiko asked him to move in with her.

Kakashi stared at her with a mute sort of horror.

"It'll be just like it is now," she gushed.  "I mean, you spend all of your free time over here anyhow and -"

"You want me to move in here?"

"We can get a nicer place," Akiko assured him.  "We'll have two paychecks to pay for it with."

"But no Itachi?"

"That's sort of the idea," she said with a wry little smile.  Until that very moment, Kakashi had loved that smile.  "We'll be a real couple.  You'll eventually take off your mask.  And in a few years, I'll have your children."

Kakashi liked the idea of children.  But that bit about Itachi...

"I know he's a bit odd and he tends to set things on fire when he freaks out and he's all about boundaries but... well... I don't want to leave him behind."

Akiko's finely shaped eyebrows twitched.

"But Kakashi, that's what starting a family is.  It's you and me and what we create together."

"Can't it be you and me and Itachi and what we three create together?"

Kakashi hated the note of desperation in his voice.

Akiko frowned.

"No.  For one thing, Itachi hates me.  For another, I hate him.  And for a third, that isn't the sort of relationship - or family - I want to have over the long term."

The idea of a future with no Itachi and no mask filled Kakashi with soul-crushing misery.

"I'm so sorry," he said.  "But I think I have to break up with you."

Akiko did not take it well.

Neither did Kakashi.

 

 

 

 

Just as he had once taken care of Sakura during a break up, Itachi took care of Kakashi.  He made Kakashi soups and onigiri.  He melted ice cream for him.  (Kakashi hated cold foods.)  They watched violent movies and chick flicks together and Itachi graciously refrained from saying anything cutting about Akiko since it was not that sort of break up.

When Kakashi was feeling better, Itachi had a suggestion to make.

"Why don't you fall in love with Sakura?"

"What?"

"You could fall in love with Sakura," Itachi patiently repeated.  "You share a great many common interests, including a close relationship with me.  She requires a romantic love with a sexual component.  You require the same thing within your life.  She is not allergic to dogs and strong women do not remind you of your mother at delicate moments."

Kakashi winced.  That was _far_ more than he ever wanted to know about Sakura's breakup with Kiba.

"She's very young."

"She's old enough."

"She used to be my student."

"Not for very long and not for a very long time.  I asked and she admitted that she calls you _sensei_ from habit and affection more than anything else."

Kakashi would probably never work up the courage to ask about that conversation.

"There's more to romantic and sexual compatibility than just shared interests and parallel relationships with you, Itachi."

"Perhaps, but you'll never know if you have those mysterious components with Sakura if you continue to run in the opposite direction every time you see her."

Kakashi hesitated.

"And I know that you find her sexually arousing," Itachi said serenely.  As Kakashi choked on his tongue, Itachi added, "I watched you watching her kiss Neji.  You were there for a long time."

"Were you spying on her?" demanded Kakashi, torn between amusement, horror and embarrassment.

"Of course.  I wished to observe this sexual component that she described to me," Itachi said with a small frown.  "She said that two people could become more than physically close to each other through sex.  Since her relationship with Kiba and your relationship with Akiko both began with one night stands, I've been forced to conclude that there's something to her theory even if I cannot see it with these eyes."

"Of course," Kakashi said weakly.

"Don't worry," Itachi said soothingly.  "She knew that we were both there.  And she wasn't upset."

Kakashi whimpered.

 

 

 

 

When Sakura opened her front door, Itachi smiled at her.  Kakashi tried not to be sick on her feet.

"We've talked about it and we'd like to ask you out on a date, Sakura," Itachi said with absolutely no preamble or flowers or even the vaguest hint of a flirty smile.  "Are you free tonight?"

"A date?"

Sakura looked stunned.

Frankly, Kakashi was a bit stunned too.  There were bricks with more subtlety than Itachi.

"Yes.  We're asking you to enter into a romantic relationship with both of us.  However, Kakashi will be in charge of the actual romance and any sex that occurs.  Is that acceptable?"

There was absolutely no way that she was going to accept Itachi's proposal.

That made Kakashi vaguely sad since he was getting used to the idea.

"So... You and me..."  Sakura tucked a lock of pink hair behind her ear.  "We'd be like we are now?"

Itachi inclined his head.

Sakura darted a quick look at Kakashi.  He tried to smile bracingly.

_Maybe we can come back and ask her again tomorrow?  With flowers... and chocolates..._

"But now I'd be dating Kakashi?"

"Yes.  You'd be kissing Kakashi on your doorstep from now on."

"Oh."  Sakura blushed pink and smiled shyly.  "Let me just get my purse?"  



End file.
